Buster made a point of telling me this on the way to school the other day, just in case I had forgotten.

K replied with ‘No, he is alive in Heaven with Jesus’

Buster not to be outdone then replied with ‘No he is with Mary and the Donkey’

In asking me which one was right I took the easy option

R is with Great Granda Mickey – (neither MrR or I practise any religion)

Some days their simplistic way of looking at things literally takes my breath away on others though it makes me smile.  R is not forgotten and however they remember him is fine by me.  As both K and Buster were born after R died they never got the chance to meet him, to touch his tiny fingers and toes to have his curled fingers press against theirs – his tiny finger used to pulse against the inside of my hand and often calmed me down when I was getting overwhelmed.

They didn’t get to hold him, show him toys, play with him or talk to him but they did survive their pregnancies and births due to R and we owe him so much for this.

K and Buster have only ever seen pictures of R and even at that have no knowledge of the many albums we have stored away.  K has seen his memory box but Buster has yet to see it.  Neither have seen the video footage we have and to be honest neither have MrR or I . We took at least three tapes of film but to this day we haven’t been brave enough to watch them and in fact have no idea how we could watch them!

I am considering trying to find out how we can convert the films and show my babies their big brother

I just don’t know if I am brave enough and if this one step would bring down a carefully constructed barrier of memories and emotions.