As another year gets close to ending so brings another year from R was with us.  The years seem to fly by but still there are many firsts I have yet to do as they bring me straight back to the days either sat in the hospital or harder still the days afterwards when I existed but have no idea how I keep functioning- I certainly wasn’t living but merely putting each day in.

Today I am up early thanks to Buster (who will be going into his own bed tonight) and after sitting down to start sewing instead I was drawn to YouTube and to songs I remember playing in a loop back in 2005. Songs have so much importance and are one of the easiest ways to transport the mind right back to where you were when you either heard or sang them.

The first up is This is to mother you.  I remember driving around in my mums wee white jeep while they were on holiday and having this on repeat.  I needed something to jolt me and make me feel some emotion and this did it!

Next up is a harder one as I used to sing this to R in his incubator hoping that someday I could nurse him and sing him to sleep.  This one is Smile and I really did try to smile rather than spend each day in tears.

I also sang Somewhere over the rainbow but still can’t listen to that one!

R it may soon be another year on but the place you have in my heart and in our lives grows rather than reduces as the years go by.

Love you always and miss you forever.


my first born


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