Every day is one day further from the last time I saw you and one day closer until I see you again
I have been thinking of writing a post for the last few weeks on how I can tell I am starting to find my way back to me again. I have put off posting as I am not sure it even makes sense but I want to note it down so that when times are hard I can see how far I have come.
R died on the 25th January 2005 there was a time when I could tell you how many days, weeks and months that I was from I last held him but now I have to stop and think how many years it is. I have never forgotten R and never will but I have learned that I need to keep stepping forward and making happy memories rather than all sad ones.
For a long time I couldn’t concentrate on one thing I needed to have the television or radio on in the background in order to block out the quiet times. I now no longer watch television and can easily concentrate to read, sew blog or craft.
I visited a clinical psychologist for a short while after R died and it was pointed out that I had social anxieties and as such found it hard to go into a room or situation where I didn’t know anyone. I am working on this and am now giving short presentations signing up for voluntary work and going to a blogging conference! I still feel sick with nerves but can make myself go through with them rather than backing away and hiding.
While R was alive my sister bought me a necklace that had R’s date of birth engraved on the back of a cross. I wore the necklace religiously every day and if I changed it for a night out always put it back on before bed. I took the necklace off just before Christmas and now have it safe in my jewellery box. I always took comfort from it and played with it in stressful situations but again I am starting to handle them better now.
Rhad a special blanket that had his name embroidered on it and he was wrapped in it at the time he passed away and afterwards. For many years we slept with it under our pillows and brought it on holiday or overnight stays away from home. We have never washed it but to be honest I’m not sure where it is at the minute- I know MrR has put it away out of the children’s hands so I am happy with that.
I no longer feel I need to go to the grave to visit R in fact I seldom go but I do talk to him constantly in my head and he is mentioned at least a dozen times a day in the house.
We have photographs up, wee mementoes around the house and a shelf full of his toys as well as a memory box and numerous photo albums full of photographs. I also have two or three video tapes which have never been watched by me or anyone else. I think it is time I got them put onto disc and showed K and Buster more of their “tiny” big brother.
R will never be forgotten and he has changed the person I am but not necessarily for the worse.
I am still a mum who has had a cherished and much loved baby who died but it no longer defines me.